yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
