then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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