Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
