Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
