Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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