My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
