Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
4 words: hood of his car
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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