We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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