My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
