I wanna bring you to show and tell
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
