i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
