I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Randomize