awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
