Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
