just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
