I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
