I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
