he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
