Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
