What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
