Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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