she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Send help, water and tortillas.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
