we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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