Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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