I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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