Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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