Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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