Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize