Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
