I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
