Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
