hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
