so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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