found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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