I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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