I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Just invented taco cereal.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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