Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
