i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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