I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
