i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
