all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize