why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Randomize