I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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