I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
