Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
