Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
