Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize