I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
