Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
