I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
