She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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