can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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