When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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