I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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