I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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