Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
