I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
