you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
