Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize