So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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