Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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