I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
