What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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