Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
