I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
