I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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