Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
