Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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