just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
