Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
