Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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