so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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