im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
