My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
